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Audit etiquette
Human Brain
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FIRSTLY - Blowjob etiquette for men as stated by a woman:
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not
standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do
you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it
through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school
girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't
tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a
cigarette, watch tv, etc...immediately afterwards is highly
inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be
happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette,
drink, etc...
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blowjobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate
to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have >
to "kiss it good morning".
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AND- HE SAID: Man's reply to Woman's BJ Etiquette...
1) First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we
will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2) Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot
easier than licking a dead fish
3) You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean
anything to you?
4) I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be
thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5) If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends
again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck
in your teeth...because you won't have any.
6) Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath
we would stick around afterward.
7) When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is
the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.
8) Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9) You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we
get the shity end of the stick in flavor country.
10) At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
11) Play with the balls
12) No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13) Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of
our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
14) Caress the ass too, we like that.
15) Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning
now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for
some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
16) If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any >
on your face, now will you leave the thinking to us, okay?
17) Come to think of it, maybe I will jerk off & leave you alone.
I do it better myself, anyway.
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Hubby Woobby!!!
This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy doops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for nighty-nighty yet". The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face. Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone -
"Oh my prescious little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all righty?".
No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex
for three hours. Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts - "Clumsy bitch"
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Stud Muffin?
After a party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't." The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?" |
Things you will never hear a woman say:
12. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
10. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
9. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
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Publik Anouncments
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids
"Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense
and couldn't drive..."
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Women's view
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Sex burns 360 calories per hour
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
If only men could be as satisfying as chocolate
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men refuse to ask for directions!
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Sex Trivia
The word "vanilla" comes from the Latin word for vagina, because of the vanilla pod's resemblance to the female genitalia
The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."
Japan leads the world in condom use. Like cosmetics, they're sold door to door, by women!!
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